Feeling dumb

My, I’m rather terrible at keeping up at this, huh?  I think that this stems from embarrassment.  You see, I’ve had a personal LiveJournal for almost seven years now, so I like to think I’m fairly aware of how self-congratulatory a blog can be, even when one is waxing on about this or that self-inflicted emo-fest.

Boo.  At least I can relax in the relative comfort of knowing that this journal is entirely anonymous.  The Internet is sometimes dangerous because of that very anonymity, but here it is a comfort.

So now that I’m between classes, I’ve had a little time to reflect about the past two terms of classes. First, let me state without any hesitance that I really like what I’m doing. Med school is fun.  I know a number of people who seem to spend all their free bitching about the work load, and while I readily admit it’s almost unbearable at times, I can’t help but feel that if you realy hate it all that much, what are you doing here?  Sure, I’ve had my terrible moments and my frustrated crying sprees, but I really do like what I’m doing.  It feels right, and I can’t imagine doing anything else.

But unfortunately, in order to survive med school, you have to accept one thing: you will always feel like an idiot. Every minute of every day, I feel like a total dumbass.  I think most of us put on a good show – some more so than others – and there are those occasional med students who seem to know no shame or fear.  But I think almost all of us, no matter how we hide it, are at least a little terrified all the time.

My brain is so full these days that  I have to write down notes for simple things (like “email mom back”) or I’ll forget.  And they want to entrust me with another human being’s health and safety one day?!  Oh, man, oh, man.

I was talking to my personal doctor the other day, and to my great embarrassment, I began to cry.  (There were a number of reasons for this, and I won’t go into them all.  I can say that my work load and the pressure it causes me was a big player.)  And I feel like us female med students and doctors really have to avoid crying in front of others.  We’re already battling so much old history and sexism, and crying in front of our “superiors” hardly helps us.  So I was really embarrassed.

But I digress.  What I’m getting to is that the doctor was really awesome.  He said that the good docs will always feel like that.  It’s the bad docs who feel like they know everything, and those are the ones that really scare him.  It was a small comfort at the time, but it was a comfort.

That’s what this journal is for — remembering medical school, year one.  So come on, Elisabeth, chin up.  And be brave, and write in this blog.  And remember to feel stupid.



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